Letting go of control

I confess I am amused: my meditation assignment for today is about detachment, and focuses on the phrase, "As I let go of the need to arrange my life, the Universe brings abundant good to me."

I spent most of my dream life last night attempting to paint a canvas -- I can visualize it still -- with two big blocks of gray in a field of white with slashes of red and navy, but I thought, well, I will set that aside and see what comes up.

I spent the morning finishing up the reading for the visually impaired, and then sat down with my phone and instagram, determined to be inspired by the other artists I follow. I looked at each of them, jotted down my favorites, observed what it was I liked (delicate mark making, pale colors, lots of white, big blocks of color), then headed into the studio having already decided what colors I would use.

But I had saved yesterday's palette. So, rather than start some new paint, I sprayed down a large, previously gessoed canvas and splattered the saran wrap all around it. The colors were stronger than I wanted, so I filled a brush with white and went over some of it, and then I realized -- I really liked what I had. So I stopped.

And then I couldn't decide: as a horizontal, it was purely abstract, but if I rotated it to the vertical, it began to look like a waterfall, so I added some drips as if there might be trees up there. I may end up removing them; we'll see how I feel.

But in the end, I left it as it was, and horizontal; no trees, no waterfall. I decided it didn't need to be anything other than it was. And It was fine. I really thought I was planning to go all out, splurge with paint and marks and whatever, and... no. No intentions met. No life arranged. And yes, in its own curious way, it feels like abundant good. I still might soften the colors a bit, tone them down. But for now I will let it stand.

It's hard, in times like these -- we so desperately long for some sense of control, for some return to normalcy, for some predictable outcome. When will we learn that outcome does not have to be either controlled or predictable to be good? And when will we learn things are okay just as they are?